When people are running do you run in the middle?

By | March 24, 2019

“When people are running, you should run in the middle”

It’s a proverb actually meaning ‘one must strive to assimilate to the norm’.

Maybe it’s another prejudice wall built in the minds of people asking to change yourself when everyone around you is changing. And people easily fall in to that just to avoid that “awkward” state of being odd.

But,

Why do you need to go with the normal flow? You are living in your priorities and comfort. Of course, sometimes your priorities may overrule your comfort. But as long as you are only setting up your priorities and defining your comfort, why should you run in the middle of the crowd and make yourself less creative?

Okay, if you still wish to run in the middle ( as you are afraid of oddness or uniqueness) while people around you are running, better not to let your feet run faster than your shoes and make yourself fall. 

Pic: Google

You can buy an orgasm, but never love.

By | March 18, 2019

I don’t find true love or romance in you guy’s relationship.

Oops… How dare I to say that. Who am I to judge someone else relationship. After all who am I to define love?

What is love.. love is just love.. nothing more to say.. It’s good enough as it’s not an abstract thing to be defined.

Your version of love may not be as that of my version. It doesn’t imply that you are only right or I am. People may be expressive or non-expressive. Let them be as they are.

If there is love, the bond will be multidimensional comprising all the emotions under a single umbrella. It will have care, trust, lust, passion, longing, addiction, possessiveness, compassion, attraction, attachment, affection and comfort (and many more).  There is always enough space for you to release your temper, grief, and any pain.

And yeah, hormones such as oxytocin also have a main role to play in love. Maybe that’s why you cannot force some to love you or prevent someone from loving you.

And above all to the superficial feelings, there develops a quite natural bond as you go on. And that natural addiction will be evidenced in your actions.

You can buy an orgasm, but never love. No love for sale  is so far available in the markets.

Well, this is how I outline love up to certain extent, and yes I don’t believe in first sight love.

Pic: Google and Google

Be emotionally intelligent

By | March 9, 2019

Have you ever felt a soul crushing tension while entering into some room, even maybe within your own home?

Could be due to someone’s presence or even absence.. And it hurts a lot when the reason for your discomfort becomes the person with whom you want to be most comfortable.

Have you ever thought, “Why was she/he so mean? How could she/he spray such toxic words at me..?

When one is at the epitome of emotions, words spill out so badly that can even bring in a third world war at the otherwise peaceful home.

And at some point you might start justifying them even if they crushed your heart. You try to make yourself at ease with their emotions; otherwise further life would be tough.

Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand your own emotions and those of others as well.

While being in colleges, I remember taking IQ tests. It was fun. Now I could see many where projecting EQ tests. I donno if there is any standard measurements for the same. But one thing is for sure, “to enhance the morality and creativity at the same time, Social-Emotional Learning (SEL) is a must along with academic learning”

IQ is about a person’s academic intelligence, while EQ tells the emotional intelligence

You may be winning the series out of your IQ. If that’s all what matters you, forget about not offering a helping hand to the fallen contestant. Be happy with your excellent skills in science and maths or whatsoever and don’t worry if you forget to learn the essential skills of living. (Sarcasm intended)

Some where I read about the push and pull happening between those who think SEL is needed and those who want schools to focus only on academics. But with the increasing weight of school bags, will there be a slot for another learning? Obviously ‘where to fit in SEL while already packed with current syllabus’, would be a giant problem infront of schools if SEL gets mandatory. The thing is, there needs to have balance between the two.. Why these kids should be fed with vast variety of information even at their younger stage in the form of books..?

At the start, Let them find themselves, let them be aware of their emotions as well as ambitions, let them be self driven, let them be empathetical, the rest would follow. Isn’t what is needed essentially to go further coping with life’s curveballs and pursue their dreams?

Yeah, nothing is impossible and one must me ready to say no to limits. But can ‘feeding all information to these little brains’ help this? Wont it actually do adverse effects while there is no platform for them to understand their interests and emotions? In fact learning gets monotonous for these little brains as their emotions are least cared.

While running behind high academic scores, developing emotional intelligence is easily forgotten. Emotional self regulation is an important component in emotional intelligence.

It’s nothing but the control over one’s own emotions.  Controlling doesn’t mean suppressing your emotions and finally becoming a victim of self criticisms. It’s much beyond that. It’s about the self awareness while feeling or expressing your emotions.  Yes, you must satisfy your ego too while having compassion towards others. After all if you can’t feel for yourself, how can you empathize for others?

Emotional intelligence invokes a change in your thought process if the present thoughts can’t solve your problem. Changing is a part of growing up as I mentioned in my post How to deal with “You’ve changed a lot”. In addition it keeps you aware of your emotions and makes you express the feelings with that “awareness”.

I am not an impulse driven person, of course I do have emotions (infact at a higher rate), but I do have an inner voice too which have a better control over the emotions. (Still sometimes, that control is too much in fact. I wish if I could be a little expressive over my excitements as well as depressions.. Ah! Maybe I am lacking that emotional literacy to put words to my emotions. But as far as I am not acting out on those feelings, safe upto some extent.. There is something more to say on this, but later..)

You cannot develop emotional intelligence if driven completely though a virtual world. Artificial intelligence and deep learning can’t take you to the heights of emotional intelligence (maybe if that ever happens, you can even think about marrying a robotic man or a girl). Nature and nurture takes a role in developing emotional intelligence. Of course, nurturing takes start at home itself. So be with your child without dismissing their emotions and make them equipped to solve it. Let them grow with emotional literacy too.

Even todays employers are conducting EQ tests. So there is one more clear reason to nurture emotional intelligence.

And it’s proven by many researches that investing your time on social-emotional learning is actually worthy as it takes you further in academics. Daniel Goleman  is the standard name behind emotional intelligence. He is a journalist and author of the book Emotional Intelligence EI gained popularity with this book and Goleman’s EQ movements. Many schools are now trying to implement this.

In short, Emotional intelligence is about the ability to look within as well as to be present in the world around you. Obviously mindfulness practices will aid in nurturing emotional intelligence.

Happiness Hormones – Never stop at yours, make others too feel it

By | February 28, 2019

Recently I got an instagram message from an unknown, “Are you content with what you have”

That simple question was thought provoking actually. I was trying to read it in this way “Am I happy now?”. (Well, I know, the query can be read in a different way too, but for the time being I would like to talk on the feeling of simple ‘happiness’.)

I am surrounded by my love (with occasional fights obviously). Have an atm card with not so bad bank balance and a reliable body. Have a sweet home with roses and butterflies in my balcony. So I have to be happy if these are the conditions for happiness.

They say, you have everything you needed in hand, so obviously you have to be happy.

What about you. Are you happy? Ask yourself? What’s the response from your inner self?

Since the question made me ponder about, obviously there is something daunting in mind. Or else I would have easily ignored that.  Years back I had a brain which was good enough to handle all these thoughts on its own. Never had it burdened me with such queries. Or maybe it was my immaturity, as didn’t think much on mind controlling ‘the self’ or ‘the self’ controlling the mind. Now, thinking loud, it implies that I am a bit more matured, and hence started to bother about all these.

So what could make you unhappy? There needs to be biological answer for the same as mood swings are all controlled by certain hormones within the body. yes, you read it right. Mood swings are controlled by your physical brain. So instead of exploring the negative hormones, I started to look for the positive ones to find the chemistry behind happiness.

Imbalance of happiness hormones actually take you to the depths of depression. So obviously certain lifestyle changes are required to for the balance. No one can prepare a recipe for a balanced life. But definitely certain ingredients can add a little color in your habits. Once we understand how this happiness hormones work, won’t it be a bit easier to trigger them?

More often we have an inherent leaning towards negative emotions or stressful times. So why not impart a little training to our brain to generate positive emotions? So let’s learn how to intentionally cause them flow.

Fundamentally, there are four hormones: the reward hormone, the love hormone, the pain killing hormone and the soothing serotonin, mostly made out of different chemical combinations of carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, and oxygen in the brain.

Dopamine or ‘the reward hormone:  The pleasure seeking attribute of Dopamine makes you set goals and work for achievements. After all who can be there disliking acknowledgements and appreciations?

Have a realistic goal set and achieve it. There is a dopamine rush in your body.

Think about making a to-do list and feel the satisfaction when you complete an item even if it being a simpler one. And don’t stop there, add more to your list before completing the existing items. Feels a bit awkward..? Don’t worry, as adding entries ensures a pattern in your routine and forces to work for the continual satisfaction.

And maybe that’s the reason behind unhappiness of most housewives as they rarely get acknowledged or appreciated for their job. (Ah! sad indeed)

Oxytocin or ‘the love hormone’: It’s released via skin to skin contact and intimacy.

Oxytocin is released into the bloodstream during physical contacts such as hugging, giggling, sex etc. So what are you still waiting for?  Just go and hug your loved one.

Oxytocin stimulates mother-babe bonding as it is produced in abundance during pregnancy and breast feeding.

Living in a digital world means you are lacking this hormone.

It is said that a lack of physical contact between couples reduces the oxytocin level, which pushes the longing for re-bonding with the same person.

Endorphin or ‘the pain-killing hormone’: It’s released during vigorous physical activities, orgasm or sexual intercourse.

The pain sends a message to the brain which in turn releases endorphins and gives you immense pleasure.  Couple of weeks back I had a rock climbing and when I reached at the top, I felt something strange in my stomach, it was nothing but a state of overwhelming ecstasy created by these hormones.

This is exactly why regular sex life is recommended – to keep the endorphins level high.

Push yourself to your true potential and feel the runner’s high. But don’t make your health at risk while boosting endorphins. So obviously exercising is one not so painful way to release endorphin.

Even laughter is said to be the easiest way to release endorphin. So laugh until it hurts your stomach.

Serotonin: It plays multiples roles in our body and most importantly it regulate our mood swings. When there is sense of belonging, this hormone flows.

Make yourself feel significant by reminding yourself about the good old times. Challenge yourself on regular basis and strive for your dreams. Well, have a ‘Gratitude journal’ if you prefer. Act in a way that benefit others and enjoy the sense of purpose in your life

Between unhealthy attention-seeking syndrome is said to be a by-product of lack of serotonin.

Exposure to sunlight induces serotonin levels, of course not harmful rays.

************

You are happy now, doesn’t imply you are challenge free. But you have a happy mind to face the challenges and work for your dreams.

But never stop at your own happiness. Make others too feel it.. so now it’s your turn to make others feel the magical hormonal effects.. Make them too happy.

  • Appreciate others, let them feel good. Spread that dopamine- hit to everyone around you
  • Hug your kid or mom or lover or even a stranger (if you are safe) and feel the increased oxytocin level at both ends.
  • Take your loved ones to the heights of ecstasy though any physical activity and let them feel the endogenous morphine effect.
  • Show your empathy and feel for others. Hold their hands and make them feel important with an abundance of serotonin secreted.

Kids are not just kids to be disrespected

By | February 10, 2019

I was waiting for the bus to come. It was a junction and I saw a lady with a child coming towards the bus stop. The lady was in a hurry that the kid was literally running to be with her. He too was shouting as being a kind of dragged by his mother’s hands . A couple of times he lost his balance and was about to fall. The smooth muscles of his too young vocal chords were vibrating and producing harsh sounds to attack his mom too. And on the way there was a small crowd in the footpath and she has to pass through them to reach the junction. In her hurry, she just hit another lady. Before the other lady could say something, the mom was nice enough to offer a “sorry” which made the other one open her lips to give an ironic smile. In a short while they reached the junction and I heard the child asking the mom “You are good enough to tell a sorry to the stranger, but how many sorrys you have missed to tell me?”

Sometimes (or most of the times) kids are the best eye openers for the elders, but only when you have a less egoistic mind to see that.

Often the parents world has a tendency to treat kids in a disrespectful manner,thinking they are just kids or assuming the children are their possessions. And it won’t limit their too, the biggest advices are poured even at the smallest babies and that too with a label, “I am saying for your good only”. I am not judging the whole parents ( which include myself too) or projecting myself to be an expert parent ( I too have made this “sorry” mistake until I realized it). But just emphasizing that nothing should be taken for granted, not even your own kids. They are also human to be treated equally and respectfully. 

Another point which my son regularly complains is regarding the elderly interruptions while he talks. I know I would be the major interruption in his list. And yes I know I am his major listener too even though his ego won’t be ready to accept my claim publicly. 

Kids are kids, it doesn’t mean they don’t deserve to be respected.  There is no wall placed in their age, mentioning “after crossing this wall only we need to be respected”. They are not anyone’s materialistic possessions or any private properties. 

If I can show the babe, how to be polite, why do I need to insist that always. “Live by example”. That would be a better strategy than imposing controls. Or can you actually remember an instance where in your child genuinely obeyed your orders and stopped repeating  the misbehavior. None of us actually like to be controlled. If so how can we expect the impulse driven nerves of the kids to be inline with the elderly controls? It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t guide them on seeing a misbehavior. Or everything should be permitted on their demands. Just don’t underestimate that they are just kids.

If you hurt the child (of course won’t be intentionally), say sorry as we do with elders. And obviously never tell a sorry, if you don’t mean it really . No point in saying a sorry just for the sake of it. Talk to your kids and listen to them in the way as we do with elders. They do share the same world where we live. It doesn’t mean from tomorrow onwards, talking to them in the adult language and finally blaming me for all these stupidities. 

We are used to many social conditionings so as kids. For them the conditioning mainly happens from what they sees or hears around at their younger stage. It’s actually unavoidable. And it would be too late by the time the grown up child realizes the impacts of this brain programmings.  The babe realize what’s worth and what’s not worth by watching the world around them. So if you think “it” to be unworth, avoid stay with “it” or else your child is going to be with “it” very soon. 

I don’t go behind any confirmation biases like, if I do this I am a good parent. If I do that I am a bad parent, likewise. But I really want to care for the feelings of growing baby generations and treat them as humans. It doesn’t mean always we need to accept their views, but just need to keep in mind that “Each and every child deserves to be respected and treated as human”

Pic : Google

What if I die at this moment?

By | January 30, 2019

“Live in the moment” – Often heard a lot. And definitely it’s an important concept as it is the only way to enjoy life to the fullest.

So while living in this moment, what if I die at this moment?

There is no certainty for a tomorrow.

“I am dead” – “I” was present a few moments back. But now the existence has gone to the past. What about the family..? Obviously the grief of the family is going to be million times worse than one imagined. Completely blank and surrounded by total chaos…

Now take a deep breath as I have to tell you something intense,

“Plan for your death”

Many are afraid to think about one’s own death. Maybe scared if the thoughts come true actually.

It won’t result in any disaster if you get organized for your own death in advance. So that not much of our personal affairs would be left unattended even if death arrives all of a sudden.

So think, “what if I die at this moment?”

Everything you owned have no privacy once you are dead. All your secrets are going to be handled by someone else. If the conscious mind is still awake even after your death (who knows), how do you want your affairs to be handled?

It would be a hell for your loved ones to be present in the world where you are not around and damn tough to have any mindfulness when the thoughts are overwhelmed by worries about past events. So won’t it make them a little stress free if the stuffs were kept in order before dying? You can make things a little easier for your family if your life is organized enough with plans and strategies for supporting them at the time of your nonexistence.

Finally and most importantly nothing is taken for granted. Sense what’s really valuable and what’s not. Time rolls quickly. We think that we have time and there will be another chance to appreciate the love, the time, the care and so on,. But just think ‘If today were the last day of my life and I have no other choice than to leave this mortal world, am I ready to exit the game board with less chaos left behind?’

So make less cleanup effort for the family when you are not around by being organized and value whatever you have now because ‘that missed moment’ may never happen again in future.

Steve Jobs : “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I’m about to do today. I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life.”

How to deal with “You’ve changed a lot”

By | January 30, 2019

“You have changed a lot”

“Yes, I have changed, because I am growing. I am sorry if you are still in same station.”

Every body continues in its state of rest, or of uniform motion in a right line, unless it is compelled to change that state by forces impressed upon it.

Newton’s laws of motion cannot go wrong atleast till it is proven to be not right

In life the forces are just your experiences which push you progress. And if no experiences, you are not living the life. So even though state of rest is a comfortable position for everyone, it won’t make you adaptable to the changing world.

So whenever someone say “You have changed a lot, you have forgotten all our good old nostalgic moments…this is not the guy whom I know long back”, just be happy that you have stopped living in their way, least predictable for them, of course the reason behind their upset while dealing with you. When the cocoons of comfort get broken, people are afraid to approach you. So they resist changes in you as they don’t want you to be seen as a different person.

Change is always expensive either in terms of effort or time or money or comfort.

The brain prefers to have familiar things or people to avoid unnecessary efforts over changes. It expects every life situation to be familiar as it is programmed to avoid the discomforts or uncertainties.  After all isn’t it tedious to improve our own thinking to accept and appreciate the changes in others.. Ah! [sarcasm intended]

It is not easy to accept changes. The very concept of “New” is not normally a catching one. Human have an inherent bias towards the conventional living. And hence it takes time for him even just to have peep over the “New”.  Like a 3 years old shy baby jumps on his mom’s hands and watches the guest over her shoulders, we have an inborn tendency to hesitantly observe the “New”. Sometimes not even before watching, adamantly walk away from that and more over raise voice against it very offensively.

Infact life without change will be very monotonous. But still people are reluctant to accept changes as always there is some sort of chaos or discomfort associated with a change. Not everyone fears to change, but a good majority of them preserve traditions, prefer to be standstill and watch suspiciously those who are changing.

The moment you question elders, people say you have changed a lot, you are antagonists etc.  It is just that they are afraid of losing their control over you. Or sometimes their stereotypic minds cannot accept your innovative thoughts.

There are naysayers who comment on your change. They should have said it based on their insecurity feeling or jealousy [maybe they don’t want you to be as popular as Sachin] or low wisdom or to prove something or just for offence or just to let you down so that their survival chances are increased. [May be he is Darwin fan, who follows “survival of the fittest”]

“We see the world, not as it is, but as we are: Stephen R. Covey

We grew up with certain norms and perceptual filters. We perceive the world in the way we just sees it, applying our own confirmation biases. We conveniently believe that our perceptions are right and all others are rubbish. If we could only wear his or her shoe and observe the situation we can understand the perspective differences. We will stop judging them if we could feel how they experience the situation. Infact judgement is one way of our thinking. We cannt completely get rid of that and no need of that too if we have sole base for our thoughts.  The problem with judgement arises when it is done just to satisfy our ego forgetting the actual facts, a stereotypical judgement.

So don’t be afraid to judge freely as long as you know how and when to do it. And it is equally important to get over the fear of being judged as well. Let them say, you have changed. Take it as key for introspection. Anyways you can’t please everyone. Your own energy is wasted while being a too nice boy or a nice girl.

Actually, you may not be changing the core attitude, but learning how to deal with something in a different way. So you can even tell them, “I haven’t changed, just grew up or you never knew me before.”  As long as you feel ‘the changed you’ to be a better version, take their comment as a complement.

Ignore the naysayers as changing is a part of growing up. Tell them “The world itself has got increasing entropy [randomness]. It cannot have things stagnant or constant for long run. If so why you should expect an unchanged behavior from me?”

The more experiences you get in life the wiser you become actually. So live in the moment without compromising self compassion. Definitely, todays rights need not be a better option for tomorrow as the world itself is changing and releasing many unknowns. So have a little room for flexibility too for tomorrow.

So tell me, how are you gonna respond on hearing “You have changed a lot man”.

It was my friend Josh [ blogs at CHAI & BISCUITS] who asked me to write on this while responding to my post on “I just don’t have enough time” – A big white lie. Thanks Jo.

Pic : Google 

Waves of notion #110

By | January 16, 2019

‘Good or bad, Right or wrong, Important or Unimportant’

Stop all these discrimination. Just get involved how big or small it is and own your choice

The black hole of emptiness

By | January 12, 2019

Something was deeply torn inside her

By an intense feeling of emptiness

Eyes were brimming with tears

With the least sparks for life

Even so she bottled up emotions

While falling into a dark black hole

Where time has got frozen forever,

And emptiness has taken over.

 

She reached at the core in a little while

And soon the tears came flowing

Before she could stop them

Forming an unending streamlet,

Completely Liberating her from

This soul wrenching emptiness

And finally finding a way in

To the ultimate serenity.

 

But why did you let in the silence to break my heart?

By | January 4, 2019

I love you with all my heart and

I am dying to express my love liberally

As I fear it may be too much for you

Let it be hidden in my crushed heart

And I am not letting it flow naturally

It’s not that I don’t want you, but I don’t

Want you to make me unwanted further

As you already let in the silence to break my heart

Pic : Google