From all the signals around me I could decode the reason behind everything happening to me most of the times. It was not at all a theoretical belief, but a data driven one.  And I was secretly proud of that. Shhhhh…

And it forced me to believe that everything happens for a reason. Or in a way I believed in ultimate fairness for all. I thought there is a purpose to everything. I don’t wish to be fooled by randomness or the notion that the universe is governed by probability.

Yes, that’s what Albert Einstein also said: “God does not play dice”

But am I mistaken..? Is the world unfair..? Is there no cause for the effects? How can justice be given to the poor child who was brutally raped and killed? Even if the murderers were tortured and punished in the most barbarian way [hope atleast that to happen soon], can it justify the pain of the tormented the girl?

I cannot understand the purpose behind her pain.. [ yes of course it is understood the purpose behind that brutality….] But why did the poor child have to suffer..?

Should I still believe in that Universal Oneness that binds us all..? Who is holding the one end of that grand design string to cause unfairness to some?

I am not able to understand this… I feel so exhausted.. Her mourns haunts me..

She asked me “What do you like about being a woman?”

Hmm.. Nice Question

Indeed, not hearing it for the first time, but thinking deeply on the same for the first time.

So let me widen the thought..

What do you like about being a woman?

Or

What do you like about being a man?

“What do you want to be, a doctor, engineer or a teacher like me? “

Mahitha answered “I want to be happy”

This is short dialogue from the malayalam movie “Vismayam”

To be happy” – That’s what we all want from the bottom of our heart. But is that really appreciated or taken care while ensuring to outdo always?

I am happy to be called as a busybee and yes, I am. But thinking aloud “Is that what I really wanted?”

Maybe Yes.

But won’t I miss the fun of idle moments..? So recently I started to feed this into my brain,

“Do everything that makes you happy as long as it’s not a severe damage for some other.

And have time “to do nothing” and enjoy the fun of idleness.”

There is no question if said “make decisions without emotions involved”. But can that really happen? Can a decision be taken using the brain alone?

Always a choice is finalized with an emotion even while being driven by logic, sometimes more reactive and some other times less reactive.  These responses are actually the subconscious choices.  So what’s actually wrong in obeying the subconscious mind as long as the choices are not purely driven by poor emotional conclusions alone?

Of course mistakes can happen with emotionally biased quick judgments. And hence if there is no immediate danger, don’t let your emotional brain to overrule the logical brain.

Similarly a pure logical decision can mislead us in a direction opposite to our self-interests. So why not keep a little bit of emotions [ but not any quick judgments] even while being driven by rational thoughts?

Recently I read a story of a revolutionist [or I am not sure if it was a film] who wore white dresses only always. When she was about to die, she asked for a green jacket. People thought she has become crazy due to illness and ignored her wish. She died without fulfilling her wish.

She sacrificed her entire life for the wellbeing of the society and finally died as a crazy woman just because of her desire for a green jacket while being on the deathbed.

Why was she forced to suppress her entire emotions while being alive?

Why couldn’t she express her felt emotions?

Was it a part of the so called “disciplined life”?

Obviously “a green jacket” was not at all big thing.. still it was banned in her life for some reasons.

May be a conflict was happening inside her mind between felt and expressed emotions.

Finally she could express a little bit of it only when she was becoming unconscious, nearing death.

And then why did people misunderstand her when she expressed a bit of it during her final moments?

 

People come and leave our life while some are glued to our hearts. It’s easy to be among strangers as there is no obligations, no demands, no expectations etc etc [Read about “The comfort while being with strangers“]. But when it’s about the glued ones, there is some sort of happiness and at the same time some sort of nervousness too.

What’s that nervousness with them..?

Is it the worries about sustaining the relationship? But does it really matter if they really understand you? Is there any extra effort required to sustain the relationship if there exists a healthy relationship?

No… so what’s that cause of uneasiness or nervousness..?

Is it fear of losing them..? Possible.. You don’t want to miss them as they have become a part of your life and it would be painful if lost them.. Oh.. So isn’t it a selfish thought?.. Like you don’t want to make yourself worried, so you want them to be with you.. hmm…

If you don’t think it to be selfishness, is there any other cause for that uneasiness?

Is it like you have to keep an image with them? ..Say like you are of the type “What others think?”

Okay, if still you think that none of the reasons matches that uneasiness, what else it could be..?

Is it like you love them, care them and trust them, but still feel lonely with them? Like they are not being there for you emotionally. You feel rejected while you were starving for their attention. You are supported neither in your highest good nor in your bad.

Is it like you are never on the same page? So while trying to be on the same page, folds and cuts appear in the page. Those marks remain forever while trying to make yourself fit in to that page, making you uncomfortable.

Is it due to the absence of comfort zone you have with them? You are not free enough to be frank in front of them or you think they don’t let you get inside their zone.

Or is it the sense of wanting to belong as posted here ? When the possessiveness comes in to picture one cannot live without expectations. You worry about the unattended emotions. You are bothered on the lack of acknowledgements.

If you could compromise all these for the sake of peace, well obviously it would be easy to maintain a relationship. But will it be an intimate one then?

So ultimately it makes one to ponder that

You need to work hard at a relationship. So there is no need of feeling down if people say ‘you are in a bad choice’ seeing you working hard.

Ultimately it’s your life and your choice. No one else is responsible for the same. Do whatever makes you happy and positive. And own whatever you do.

Thinking aloud why it should be treated as a big problem after all? Just ….

Why should a person be punished if he or she doesn’t understand or accept his mistakes? Obviously he/she will continue with the same punished behavior behind our back.

I am trying to watch it in a broader sense, say like starting from parents punishing kids to the punishments by the court. In all cases, if one cannot understand his/her mistake, won’t it be repeated?

May be kids won’t do it in their parents presence. But definitely they will do in their parent’s absence. These punishments are just making them a little bit polite, but not moral. They may appear disciplined for a while, but not forever if they don’t understand the wrongs in their side.

Reminds me of this Malayalam song sung by Vineeth Sreenivasan in the movie Oru Vadakkan Selfie “Enne thallendammava njan nannavoola. Mandeel adiyum vare njan nannavoola” [Meaning “No need to beat me uncle, I won’t change good”]

No one would change actually if he/she is not convinced on the mistakes. Simply they may try to avoid the home of punishments. Whenever the situation changes in their favor or if they are not watched, the real nature will be exposed.

And moreover the thought ‘I am being watched’ can actually damage one’s peace, cause stress and ultimately lead to unavoidable crises.

Another point dancing in front of me right now is “If one accepts and feels guilty of his mistakes, should he/she be really punished again?” He already had the punishment of guilty feeling, so why again?

So aren’t these punishments bad weapons? Still why is it being used everywhere?

Or are these punishments showcased as a threat to the future criminals to make them beware of the consequences?

This being a world of ‘add-ons’ I feel some add-ons are required with the current punishments strategy too where in some views must be put before punishing straightaway so as to make them aware of the actual mistakes.

Otherwise what’s the use “If a criminal never regrets on what he has done”? Or otherwise either he must have some solid reasons behind the crime or he must be psychic as posted in Crime is a crime. But who cares his feeling while punishing him straightaway?

The sense of belonging to someone..

Does it really matters?

This is not an absolute world. Everything is relative as mentioned in Einstein’s theory of relativity, “There is no “absolute” frame of reference.”

No values are fixed or discrete. So while living in a relative world, your rights won’t be my rights and your wrongs won’t be my wrongs. You perception should be totally different from mine which doesn’t mean you are right and I am not.

Mistakes can happen. But go with your rights as long as you are confident on your integrity. But be ready to accept ups and downs, give room for flexibility and change your world if you feel it to be incorrect.

May be the first thing one must have to accept is the notion that “I may not always be right”

What is the thing uppermost in your mind that you are least willing to compromise or spare on a normal routine day in your life among the three ? (Not during any exceptional cases or extreme cases)

TIME, EFFORT OR MONEY…?