From all the signals around me I could decode the reason behind everything happening to me most of the times. It was not at all a theoretical belief, but a data driven one.  And I was secretly proud of that. Shhhhh…

And it forced me to believe that everything happens for a reason. Or in a way I believed in ultimate fairness for all. I thought there is a purpose to everything. I don’t wish to be fooled by randomness or the notion that the universe is governed by probability.

Yes, that’s what Albert Einstein also said: “God does not play dice”

But am I mistaken..? Is the world unfair..? Is there no cause for the effects? How can justice be given to the poor child who was brutally raped and killed? Even if the murderers were tortured and punished in the most barbarian way [hope atleast that to happen soon], can it justify the pain of the tormented the girl?

I cannot understand the purpose behind her pain.. [ yes of course it is understood the purpose behind that brutality….] But why did the poor child have to suffer..?

Should I still believe in that Universal Oneness that binds us all..? Who is holding the one end of that grand design string to cause unfairness to some?

I am not able to understand this… I feel so exhausted.. Her mourns haunts me..

It was a clean murder. Still no one was much concerned. No one even said a word about her. Normally when someone is no more, people start pitying them, say good words about them. But nothing like that happened in her case now. She was my ever best friend. So it is indeed an irreparable loss for me.

But what can I do?

In this world it’s me only who can’t ever forget her. Two waterfalls have already begun from my watery eyes. I feel so lonely without her. She could only make me complete. Without her I am just a piece of lifeless flesh and bones.

Oh! God, I need her back at any cost.

Now I pity myself for killing her over the intuition of my logical brain. At that time there had a fight between my logical brain and emotional mind. And finally the logical brain won ever the poor emotional mind.

Yes, I am the murderer of my own emotional mind. I killed her and buried her deep inside my heart.

“Please come back my friend, and let me be with you”

 

What’s  your state on time?

(Maybe a time anxious person can better read my question)

  • Finding time to explore more things?
  • Doing something just to kill your time (maybe to escape from someother thing)?

Oh! My dictionary has become food for ants.  Did they enter the bookbinding to learn some new words and mock at me?

I literally had to struggle to kick them out of my book. So many were killed during the process though not cautiously. I was a little bit worried on seeing them losing their lives. But did I have any other options to save my dictionary?

Seems my mirror neurons (The neurons which fires your empathy and allows you to grasp the emotions of others) are activated a little bit. But still am I really guilty for what I did? I can’t kill an animal or a bird. (Not because of my goodness but to save myself from the guilty feeling) If my mirror neurons are working then, why not fully in the case of these poor ants? If I could hear them crying, maybe I wouldn’t have.. Is it like that..? I donno actually.

An afterthought: Actually why do we need to have this weird phenomenon of empathy causing all these confusions? Actually is it really empathy or selfishness as I posted in Painful..

Still the fight goes on….

———-

Do you like vegetarian food or non-vegetarian food?

I like both, but a little more inclined towards non-veg.

While having non-veg food do you think about those killed birds or animals or fish in your plate?

I never used to think about them in the past. Simply enjoyed all those yummy yummy dishes. But nowadays, I donno, I just can’t concentrate while eating chicken or fish. I just feel how good it had been if they were alive..?

I know, they will be killed/eaten by someone else even if I stopped. May be I cannot save them. (trying just to console myself ).

But these feelings haunt me a lot recently. And on the other side I just can’t stop eating non- veg completely. ( I like it too) : (

What will I do..?

How can I stop eating them..?